Even in the most cooperatively run two-home families, the holidays can be very difficult for children. Children need both parents to operate in a way that creates a sense of security in them; and reassures them that their family living in two homes is still a family. For strategies on how to manage the stress for you and your children throughout the holidays, check out How Divorced Parents Can Help Their Children Survive the Holidays by Christina McGhee.
Friendship with Your Ex? Yes you can!
"I will do anything for my child." Every parent makes this declaration, never imagining that it may require them to build a new, friendly relationship with an ex they despise. Raising a healthy child in two homes can only happen when parents communicate effectively and work together to meet the child's needs. It may not be easy, but it is achievable! Check out the article, "5 Ways to be Friends (& A Good Co-parent) With Your Ex" by Mandy Dawson, to see how one family made friendship after divorce a reality.
Considering Your Child's Future Relationships
The article, "What You Should Remember If You Love Someone With Divorced Parents” by Peggy Nolan discusses 10 findings from a 25-year study by researcher and psychologist, Judith Wallerstein. The study concluded that the highest impact of divorce on children is felt 15-25 years after their parents' divorce; when the adult children enter into their own serious relationships. When I first saw the article's title, I was taken aback, concerned that it would promote the thought that divorce dooms children to lives of future bad relationships. However, I was surprised to find that, despite my parents amicable divorce, and my own happy, 22-year marriage, I identified with many of the feelings attributed to adult children of divorce. Every child is affected by divorce. The degree to which a child experiences the negative effects into adulthood depends on both parents' commitment to consciously and cooperatively parent. Follow the link to read the article.
Making Room for the Love of a Stepparent
It takes phenomenal strength and love for one's child to allow an ex's new spouse to have a role in that child's upbringing. When the adults in a child's life come together, selflessly focusing on their needs, everyone benefits. Check out one family's great example in the New York Times article, Father's Wedding Gesture to Stepfather Tugs at a Million Hearts, by Daniel Victor.
Family vacation after divorce? It can happen! →
Over the years, my family took several family vacations after my parents' divorce. We still do! However, now our family has grown to include a son for my dad, sons-in-law, grandchildren (and their spouses), and even a great granddaughter! Check out this recent article of a newly divorced family's first experience with vacationing together after divorce. From Divorce, a Fractured Beauty by Lara Bazelton
10 Strategies for Successful Coparenting
1.
Focus on your child’s needs. Don’t let your feelings toward your coparent affect your relationship or your coparent’s relationship with your child
2.
Use effective tools for communicating about your child. Consider using online tools to manage schedules and information. Update your coparent regularly about child’s wellbeing and any changes you may notice. Include information on child’s development, challenges and triumphs.
3.
Don’t create a parenting time schedule that is unreasonable or stressful for your child. Remember, parenting time schedules are meant to benefit your child. The goal is to create a sense of stability and continuity, as well as provide time to maintain good relationships with BOTH parents.
4.
Life happens. Be flexible with your plans when necessary to help the other parent.
5.
Communicate respectfully with your coparent. Exposure to high conflict separations puts children at high risk for academic, behavioral and emotional problems.
6.
Support your child’s relationship with your coparent. Characterize the time your child spends with her other parent as special and important. Speak positively about the time spent.
7.
Make transitions easy for your child by sticking to the agreed upon plan. Be on time for pick-ups/drop-offs. Acknowledge your coparent with a respectful ‘hello’ or wave.
8.
Devise a plan to help child keep track of things. Keeping up with schoolwork, uniforms, instruments and personal items are difficult for children in any situation. That difficulty is multiplied when being raised in two homes. Implement support strategies in both homes that lessen confusion. (i.e. each home should have sets of toiletries, basic school supplies, uniforms, etc.)
9.
Partner on discipline. Discipline is not just something we do when children are “bad.” Discipline describes the methods by which we teach life skills and appropriate behavior. Come together on core values around safety, house rules, bedtime, activities, homework and consequences for negative behavior. Be consistent. Support your coparent to maintain consistency. Consider taking a parenting class with your coparent.
10.
Partner on goals for your child. Together you and your coparent are raising an adult. Make choices that support what is necessary to do that successfully.
The choices you make today create the backdrop for your child’s life story tomorrow. Choose to be a hero in that story! ~Sheila~
Disclaimer: The information provided herein is for general informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended and should not be construed to constitute legal advice. Nothing contained herein should be relied on or acted upon without the benefit of legal advice based upon the particular facts and circumstances presented, and nothing herein should be construed otherwise.
Copyright © Cooperative Strategies Family Law 2015