One of the first things I do in a mediation meeting with divorcing couples, is acknowledge the normal cycle of emotions they may be experiencing, and how those emotions may show up at any moment and impact productive conversation. I see myself as part of the couple’s support team. For me that responsibility includes helping them show compassion for themselves and their spouse in difficult moments—so that the decisions they make remain rooted in their intentions and goals. Below is a short video about what happens in your body when having a difficult conversation, and most importantly, how to support yourself and have effective communication. Check it out!
PLEASE STOP SAYING BROKEN HOME
Words have power. The term ‘broken home” is still commonly used to describe families with divorced or separated parents. “Broken home” is almost always a misnomer as it invalidates the child’s actual family experience to describe the parents’ legal relationship. Worse, it unfairly portends a future of social/emotional dysfunction for the child.
My parents’ 15-year marital relationship ended in divorce in 1975. Our family did not end. However, throughout my childhood, teachers and other adults often said that I was from a “broken home.” I was repulsed every time I heard that term. I felt a hot sense of shame as if the word ‘broken’ was branded on my chest. The statements were always coupled with looks of pity or suspicious curiosity which made me feel accused of some unforgivable sin. At 7 years old I felt the dissonance between the commonly held beliefs about a family with divorced parents and my reality. I knew my family was not broken. My sisters and I were raised in a family with two parents who cooperatively parented while living in two separate households. We were one loving coparenting family. The formal end of my parents’ relationship did not destroy our family. In fact, it was my parents’ divorce that brought peace to our family unit and set a foundation for strong parent/child relationships with both parents. Divorce does not create ‘broken homes.’ Toxic parental conflict creates ‘broken homes’.
In the mid 1800’s the term ‘broken home’ was used to describe the absence of one parent for any unfortunate reason, such as prolonged illness, incarceration, or extreme poverty. Today, Merriam-Webster dictionary defines ‘broken home’ as “a family in which parents have divorced.” Further in this context, ‘broken’ is defined as, “disunited by divorce, separation or desertion of one parent.” These definitions reflect the lingering stigma associated with divorce. Although toxic conflict is often part of the breakdown of a marital relationship, one should not assume that all children of divorced parents experience that toxicity; or that they suffer from the associated negative consequences.
I believe the wanton use of the term ‘broken home’ gave birth to the term, ‘stay together for the kids.’ This is a misguided belief that remaining in a toxic marital relationship benefits the children. Neurological studies revealed that children as young as 6 months experience physical and emotional effects from parental conflict. For all children, toxic parental conflict negatively impacts their social, emotional, and academic development. These effects can last into adulthood. The chronic stress from ongoing family conflict may also have lasting physical effects on children and parents. I am forever grateful to my parents for their wisdom. Our family has grown threefold and still enjoys close bonds because of our parents’ dedication. There are many cooperative coparenting families like ours. It is my mission to end the stigma that plagues coparenting. A family is still a family after divorce. Whether a family is ‘broken’ or a ‘loving coparenting family’ is not determined by the parents’ marital status. It is determined by the parents’ steadfast commitment to raising healthy future adults.
Now, for every loving coparenting family I ask… Will you please stop saying, ‘broken home’?
The Wisdom of Children
“A child learns from his parents, but sometimes the parents learn from their child.” ~Gregorio Santos
Cooperative coparenting is much easier when the child’s perspective is understood and mitigating the emotional damage caused by conflict becomes the focus. In the video “What Parents Need to Know from Kids about Divorce” children discuss their experiences and needs very candidly. How is your separation/divorce impacting your child?
Concious Uncoupling Explained
Katherine Woodward Thomas, creator of the “Conscious Uncoupling” program, shares the origins of the term, and 5-steps to respectfully end a romantic relationship, heal, and create your own “happily EVEN after life.”
Prepare for Productive Conflict
The concept of ‘Productive conflict” feels a bit oxymoronic. However, not only is conflict a natural part of every life, it is often where great ideas begin. Combat in conflict is a choice. Conflict, in its true form, is an opportunity to make good decisions based on facts, interests and goals. When you mediate with Cooperative Strategies, we prepare for productive, positive conflict. It is possible! Business strategist, Julia Dhar recently discussed the necessary tools in her Ted Talk entitled, How to disagree productively and find common ground. These tools can be applied to any conflict. Check it out.
Happily Ever After? YES!
Divorce can be the beginning of your ‘happily ever after.” You have the power to shape your divorce experience, and set your life on a positive path toward a fulfilling future. The power is in YOUR perspective. In her Ted Talk, Disrupting the Divorce Experience. Defining Your Next Chapter, Sadie Bjornstad discusses strategies she learned during her own divorce that led her on a transformative journey.
Considering a Blended Family? Proceed With Caution
You opened your heart to love again, now remarriage is on the horizon. If your new relationship includes children, there are specific steps you can take to cultivate a healthy blended family. Check out, Couples Considering a Blended Family, for excellent tips on how to build a solid stepfamily foundation.
Overcoming Coparenting Challenges
It is easy to understand why amicable coparenting is important. However, understanding how to create a successful coparenting team may seem impossible. The article, Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents: Making Joint Custody Work After a Divorce or Separation, does an excellent job identifying the challenges, and providing practical solutions that can be implemented today.
Shared Physical Custody Eases Stress for Children Study Says
Many studies have shown that children are best served when both parents are actively involved in their children's lives after divorce. In fact, laws regarding custody are rooted in the belief that joint physical and legal custody are in the best interest of children. A new study conducted by researchers from Stockholm University is the first to examine the relationship between shared physical custody and stress in children. Researchers found that children in families that share physical custody experienced less stress than those who spent most of their time with one parent. More surprisingly, they found this outcome even in families where the parents did not get along, or the child did not have a good relationship with one parent. For more about this study, follow the link to check out the article, Shared custody equals less stress for children.
Telling the Children
British singer and songwriter James TW, wrote a song for a young drum student whose parents had decided to divorce, but had yet to give their child the news. In it, he beautifully captures how children often experience this difficult family transition, and the loving messages children need to remain resilient throughout the process, and open to love in their own lives. In an interview with Genius James shared, "The tricky part was writing a song about something that a lot of people view as a negative thing and saying sometimes it is for the best. It can be a good thing when divorce happens because it means the child will be in a more comfortable environment in the long run." Check out his moving video below.
Win-Win Negotiation
Contrary to popular belief, negotiation should not be a battle between 'winners' and 'losers' fixed on clearly delineated outcomes. When parties come together to truly understand each other's needs; then collaborate to determine how each can maximize the opportunities, the result is a sustainable agreement that satisfies both parties. Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, calls this a 'win-win' approach to negotiation, and discusses how to use a 'growth mindset' to achieve it in her enlightening article, Negotiating Life. Follow the link to learn how to negotiate 'win-wins' in all aspects of your life.
Give Children the Tools to Weather Life's Storms
"Into each life, a little rain must fall" ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
As parents, we go to great lengths to protect our children from pain of all kinds. However, protecting our children from every bump and bruise in life is simply impossible. Despite best efforts, all children will experience pain as a family transitions through divorce. Supporting them through that pain, and giving them tools to develop lifelong skills to weather the storms of life should be our focus. Check out the article, The Most Valuable Thing a Parent Can Do for Their Kids, by Glennon Doyle Melton to see how she tackled this task.
And the Greatest of These is...Trust
In his article, Trust for Children of Divorce: Seven Ways to Revitalize Your Children's Trust, psychologist, John T. Chirban, Ph.D, Th.D, discusses how a child's experiences during divorce can undermine their ability to trust, and hinder healthy emotional development. He shares seven excellent strategies for repairing, building and maintaining your child's trust during and after divorce.
Daughters Need Dads, Especially Post Divorce
"A girl's father is the first man in her life, and probably the most influential." ~D. Jeremiah
Strong parent/child relationships are important for healthy social and emotional development of children. However, when meaningful parental access is limited or involves conflict, children may suffer from low self-esteem and other depressive symptoms. Recent studies show that girls are particularly vulnerable to negative outcomes when fathers are absent from their lives. In her article, "8 Ways Dads Can Empower Their Daughters Post-Divorce," therapist and author, Terry Gaspard discusses how important the Father/Daughter relationship is to a girl's development, and practical tips to create and maintain a bond that protects her psychological well-being.
Prepare for a Positive Future
"The future is not something we enter. The future is something we create" ~L. Sweet
Whether you are contemplating divorce or are well along your journey, you have the power to create a good future for yourself and your children post divorce. In the article, How to Prepare for Divorce: 48 Experts Share Their Best Tips, various experts, including financial specialists, child and family therapists and divorce coaches provide strategies for navigating the divorce process in a way that promotes a positive outcome for all parties.
Coparenting Advice from an Unexpected Source
Far removed from her days as TV's fun loving tween Blossom, actress Mayim Bialik, now a divorced mother of two, shares excellent advice for cooperative coparenting. Follow the link to see for yourself! Mayim Bialik Video
Making the Impossible, Possible
In the article, Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents, psychologists, Jocelyn Block, M.A., and Melinda Smith, M.A., provide practical strategies for creating the cooperative parenting partnership children need to become healthy adults. Consistent and productive communication between parents is necessary to maintain a stable, nurturing environment for children. It isn't easy. Often hurt and anger make communication difficult at best. This article tackles that challenge head on with specific steps you can take today to set your coparenting relationship on a productive path.
Mitigating the Effects of Divorce on Education
The emotional challenges children typically experience while adjusting to divorce are well documented. Less is said about how divorce can negatively impact a child's education. In her article, How A Child's Education is Affected Post-Divorce, Karie Boyd discusses the potential academic effects, and provides tips on how best to avoid them.
Divorcing with Adult Children? Here's What You Should Know
Many couples put off divorce until their children are adults and have left home, hoping to spare them the difficulties young children often experience. Adult children are spared some of the challenges young children endure associated with shared parenting time, and exposure to conflict. However, adult children do experience loss and pain. There are ways parents can protect their adult children and set a foundation for strong family bonds for future generations. In her article, How to Tell Your Adult Child You're Divorcing, Erica Manfred discusses several recommended strategies.
Protecting Your Kids From the Storm
In her article, Top Ten Ways to Protect Your Kids from the Fallout of a High Conflict Divorce, renowned clinical psychologist and researcher, Joan B. Kelley, PhD., gives sound advice for parents who, in spite of their best efforts, find themselves in high conflict separations. Just as we provide our children with protection for difficult and dangerous weather, we must also protect their hearts and minds from the dangerous effects of parental conflict.